Mommies, Nannies, Au Pairs, and Me: The End Of Being A SAHD

When my son was born in 2017, I decided to focus on being a stay-at-home dad (SAHD). Every early childhood development book I read emphasized that the first five years are the most critical for a child’s growth. So I figured, why not spend that time with him?

It wasn’t a difficult decision since I hadn’t had a day job since 2012. The only things I risked sacrificing were my writing, patience, and sanity.

I believe being a stay-at-home parent for the first three years is one of the hardest jobs in the world—far tougher than working 60-hour weeks in banking. So I’m confident it’s harder than most other jobs too. At the same time, it’s also the most rewarding work I’ve ever done. But that chapter is now over and I’m sad that it is.

For men considering becoming stay-at-home dads during their child’s early years, I want to share some perspective before you take the leap. This applies equally to women thinking about leaving the workforce to be stay-at-home moms, but with a male twist.

This article is also my declaration that after eight years and two months, I no longer consider myself a stay-at-home dad. The reason is obvious in the end.

Some Important Truths About Being a Stay-at-Home Dad (SAHD)

Here are the most important things to watch out for if you want to become a SAHD. If you can accept these truths, your time as a SAHD will be better.

1) You’ll Be Part of a Small Minority

If you’re not used to being a minority, you will be once you become a SAHD. In my eight years here in San Francisco as a SAHD, I estimate only about 5% of dads I meet are the primary caregivers. The same is true in other big cities like New York.

Here’s my rough breakdown of childcare providers I’ve observed from going to playgrounds, parks, museums, activities, and schools:

• 60-70% — Nannies (100% women).
• 10-20% — Au pairs (100% women).
• 10-20% — Moms
• 3% – 7% — Dads

SAHDs Must Learn to Adapt to Awkward Situations

As a minority, you’ll need to blend in and sometimes navigate cultural or gender-specific topics and conversations. One time, I was with my wife and a group of eight moms in Golden Gate Park. When breastfeeding started, I felt awkward and left to give the moms privacy, leaving my daughter with my wife. Since then, I stopped joining mothers’ walking groups and usually walked alone or with my wife.

Being a minority can sometimes mean having fewer social connections, as it may be harder to assimilate or be fully included. You might find yourself intentionally or unintentionally left out of group activities organized by the majority. It’s important to get used to moments of isolation—and to recognize that building meaningful friendships may require extra effort.

Another time, a nanny’s toddler was crying uncontrollably for about 10 minutes while she chatted with other nannies. I offered to help play with the toddler, but she gave me a cold glare and said, “No, I don’t need your help,” before scolding the child. That was the last time I offered to help a stranger’s child out of fear of backlash.

2) Other Men and Women May Not Give You the Respect You Seek

In our status-conscious world, being a stay-at-home dad is still an anomaly. Unless you’ve built a company or made a fortune, few people—both men and women—will give you much respect. They might be polite to your face, but that doesn’t mean they’ll invite you into their social circles.

Among working men, there’s often a lingering belief that men should be the primary breadwinners. As a result, they may view your role with confusion, skepticism, or quiet judgment.

Mothers may appear more welcoming, but in reality, they often form tight-knit groups with other mothers. Even if your wife works full-time and you handle all the household chores, pickups, drop-offs, and scheduling, you may still be seen as an outsider.

Perhaps the hardest part, though, is dealing with your own sense of embarrassment. Any lingering insecurity about your role can show up in how you speak, carry yourself, and perceive your worth. Even if raising your child is the most meaningful job you’ve ever had, it can be hard to fully embrace your identity as a stay-at-home dad.

The solution to this insecurity is to have a project of your own—something you’re actively building or working toward. It doesn’t have to generate income; it can be what I call a “trust fund job,” where the focus is on activity, not profit. The key is to maintain a sense of personal identity beyond fatherhood, so you don’t feel like your entire worth is tied to being a parent.

3) You Will Be Taken for Granted, No Matter How Hard You Try

Marriage is hard. There’s a reason parental happiness often dips during the early years of raising children. Less sleep, little personal time, and constant exhaustion can take a toll, making it much easier to argue with your spouse. You may find yourself longing for appreciation just as you’re running on empty.

As a stay-at-home dad—while the vast majority of fathers work outside the home—you’ll do far more of the childcare in comparison. You might take pride in always being there for your kids and feel you deserve recognition for it. But here’s the truth: nobody else cares as much as you do—because they’re your kids, not theirs. That’s why fatherhood must be intrinsically motivated. If you’re constantly looking for external validation, you’ll be disappointed.

No matter how much you contribute there will be times you feel underappreciated. Your spouse may take you for granted, and it’ll hurt. But this is a common dynamic in long-term relationships. It is inevitable to take for granted what someone does for us if they are consistent. The key is to acknowledge it, communicate it, and try to reduce how often those feelings arise.

Maybe your wife had a brutal day—her boss embarrassed her in front of colleagues, she lost a major client, or a product she poured months into flopped. After a 12-hour day and a draining commute, she may not have much emotional bandwidth left to recognize everything you’ve done at home. Try to acknowledge her situation and step up to do more when she’s running on empty.

Marriages are never 50/50. Be the parent who steps up when the other is struggling.

At the same time, you might also take her hard work for granted. After the 20th 6:30 a.m. client call, the 21st doesn’t seem like a big deal. But maybe all she wants is one morning to sleep in without pressure or performance looming.

When these feelings creep in, pause and reframe: realize how fortunate you are to have a spouse whose work allows you to stay home and raise your children. Odds are, they’d love to trade places sometimes—to spend more time with the kids and less time grinding at work. But someone has to earn the income and keep the family’s healthcare covered.

Appreciation can fade in the daily grind. So remind each other, often, of the sacrifices you’re both making—for your children, and for each other.

4) Losing Money And Falling Behind In Your Career Will Sting

The biggest dilemma is whether to sacrifice career for children or children for career. Ironically, you either have to be wealthy enough to stay home or poor enough that working and paying for childcare isn’t worth it. Those in the middle face the toughest choice.

I’ve given up millions of dollars in income to be a stay-at-home father. This includes lost earnings from my finance career as well as from growing Financial Samurai.

Since my son was born in 2017, I’ve deliberately chosen not to work full-time on the site. Had I committed 40–50 hours a week, I’m confident I could have significantly scaled Financial Samurai, increased ad revenue, and developed more products to sell. But instead, I chose to maintain a 15–20 hour workweek—hours that occur mostly before the kids are up or after they are asleep—so I could spend as much time with him as possible.

As a result, it took several years longer to buy the ideal house to raise a family. Further, I’ve had to delay reaching financial independence once more.

All Or Nothing Is Not Ideal

As someone who helped kickstart the modern FIRE movement in 2009, I waited to have children until I could care for them full-time. I didn’t want to sacrifice my career for family in my 20s and early 30s. I worked hard to build enough wealth and retired at 34.

But this all-or-nothing approach risks delaying parenthood too long. Biological challenges increase with age, and if you have kids later, you have less time with them. Losing parents before 30 happens often, especially since people are having children later and life is unpredictable. Since you’ll love your children above all else, it makes sense to want as much time together as possible.

Luckily for older parents, there’s a simple, logical solution to make up for lost time: understand how much time the average working parent spends with their child each day, and then spend more time with your child until you catch up or even exceed that total by the time they turn 18. Because, as we sadly know, once our children reach 18, about 80-90% of all the time we will ever spend with them is already behind us.

Choosing Time With Your Kids Over Money and Meetings

Because I gave up money and meetings before having kids, I certainly won’t seek more money and meetings now that I have kids.

If it takes three more years to hit a new passive income target without a steady job, so be it. I’m not willing to miss out on my time with them for any amount of potential income.

Let’s break it down: If I earn $250,000 a year but pay $50,000 for a nanny, my income is $200,000, but really less due to taxes. Imagine sitting in 3 hours of meetings every day for 261 workdays — that’s 783 hours annually. No way! I know this because I consulted part-time for four months and felt bad even missing out on one activity with my daughter.

Now let’s jack up that income to $3 million a year at a hot AI company after paying for a nanny, but before taxes. Since I’m a big wig now, I’m in meetings for 5 hours every day for 261 workdays – that’s 1,305 hours annually. I’d still pass.

You can always make more money, but you can never get back lost time. So choosing your children over more money and career progression is logical.

Some Great Benefits of Being a Stay-at-Home Dad (SAHD)

We’ve covered the hard truths—feelings of isolation, less respect from other parents, a smaller paycheck, possibly a stalled career, and getting taken for granted. But luckily, there are also some powerful upsides to being a stay-at-home dad. Let’s dive in.

1) Your Wife Or Spouse Can Never Call You a Deadbeat Dad

If you’ve been with your wife and child since birth—attending doctor visits, washing bottles, handling meals, and taking the baby out so your wife can rest—it’s impossible for her to say you weren’t there. You’ve earned your stripes.

When your wife feels more supported and rested, the entire family benefits. She’s less exhausted and more emotionally present. And if you have multiple kids, your ability to manage one or more of them for extended stretches becomes even more valuable.

As time goes on and you build up “credits” from the time and effort you’ve put in, you’ll also feel less guilty about asking for personal time—whether it’s a night out with friends or a weekend golf trip.

2) You’ll Likely Develop a Closer Relationship With Your Kids

A common fear is that even with more time spent together, you might still end up with a strained relationship with your children. Genetics, personality clashes, and differing interests can all play a role.

But in my experience—and after speaking to hundreds of dads—there’s a strong correlation between time spent and relationship strength. Kids may not remember anything from ages 0–3, but they feel your presence. And after age three, their memories become clearer and deeper. That’s when your investment of time starts to pay off in tangible ways.

You can reinforce those early years with photos and videos, reminding them of how involved you’ve been since day one. That emotional foundation can carry into their own parenting values later on.

3) You’ll Catch Developmental Issues Sooner

Working long hours or traveling frequently often means relying entirely on teachers and caregivers to monitor your child’s development. That’s fine—if those teachers are excellent. But not every classroom is led by a superstar, and not every nanny or au pair puts her phone away while engaging with your child.

I once met the father of a second grader who was shocked to learn his daughter didn’t know how to read. I couldn’t help but wonder—how is that a surprise if you’ve been reading to her regularly over the past seven years? Unless, of course, he hadn’t been. That’s the kind of thing a stay-at-home parent would likely have noticed much earlier.

Being a stay-at-home dad gives you the opportunity to catch developmental gaps early—before they grow into bigger, costlier problems down the road.

4) You’ll Have More Energy and Enthusiasm to Engage

After a long workday, it’s natural to want to decompress: crack a beer, eat dinner, and zone out. During the thick of my Millionaire Milestones promo cycle, I often felt drained when picking up my kids because I had given multiple interviews and done multiple consulting sessions. It made me less motivated to coach them tennis or play imaginative games at home.

But as a stay-at-home dad, especially when the kids are in school, your energy levels are higher. You can regularly take afternoon naps to be ready for their hurricane of energy and emotion when you pick them up. That extra enthusiasm can lead to more engaged parenting, whether it’s reading stories, building Lego sets, or practicing new skills.

5) The Days Are Long, But You’ll Be Able To Slow Down The Years

Though days can feel endless, the months and years pass quickly. But if you’re a stay-at-home dad, you can somewhat slowdown the years in retrospect because you won’t feel as bad missing so many precious milestones.

If you can, give being a stay-at-home parent a go. You won’t regret trying it. Like any tough challenge, giving it a shot means you won’t be haunted by “what if.” You really only have to sacrifice your career for five years at most.

If five years feels too long, consider going back to work once your child starts preschool (around 2-3 years old). Kindergarten typically starts at 5-6 years.

Start Small and Build Up

Take full advantage of your employer’s parental leave (usually 1-4 months). After that, reassess if you want to return to work or continue as a stay-at-home parent. If your finances allow, I say go for it. The growth between 6 and 24 months is truly incredible.

Typical Developmental Milestones for Babies And Toddlers (0-24 Months)

0-3 Months

• Lifts head briefly when on tummy
• Follows objects with eyes
• Begins to smile socially
• Makes cooing sounds
• Grasps reflexively when objects touch palm

4-6 Months

• Rolls over front to back, then back to front
• Sits with support
• Reaches for and grasps objects intentionally
• Begins babbling (ba-ba, da-da)
• Shows interest in food, may start solids

7-9 Months

• Sits without support
• Crawls or scoots
• Pulls up to stand using furniture
• Transfers objects between hands
• Says first words like “mama” or “dada” (not always specific)

10-12 Months

• Cruises along furniture
• May take first steps independently
• Uses pincer grasp (thumb and forefinger)
• Waves bye-bye
• Understands simple commands like “no”
• Says 1-3 words clearly

13-18 Months

• Walks independently
• Climbs stairs with help
• Stacks 2-3 blocks
• Uses 10-20 words
• Points to desired objects
• Begins using spoon (messily)
• Shows affection to familiar people

19-24 Months

• Runs and kicks a ball
• Walks up and down stairs holding rail
• Stacks 4-6 blocks
• Uses 50+ words and begins 2-word phrases
• Follows two-step instructions
• Begins pretend play
• Shows increasing independence

The Value of Witnessing Milestones

Being home means you witness all these priceless moments firsthand. Others may see these milestones as ordinary, but to a parent, they’re little miracles — rewards for all your effort.

Seeing my son roll over for the first time felt like watching him win Olympic gold. It’s that gratifying. Plus, being there means you get those video memories to treasure forever.

Interestingly, nannies and au pairs often keep milestones secret from parents so the parents feel like they were the first to see them. That’s emotional intelligence in action — making tired, maybe guilty parents feel more joy. What parents don’t know won’t hurt them.

Why I No Longer Call Myself a Stay-at-Home Dad

The thing about being a stay-at-home dad is—it doesn’t last forever. Once your kids start full-time school, your role naturally shifts. With six extra hours a day, you suddenly have space to pursue other things: exercise, freelance, consult, start a business, or just catch your breath.

This transition is a golden window. I know dads building AI tools, volunteering at school, and picking up creative projects. I recently gave a talk on personal finance at my child’s after-school program—it was both fun and fulfilling.

Once my second child entered full-time school, I no longer felt right labeling myself a stay-at-home dad. With more time between drop-off and pickup, I returned to writing and am now focused on achieving financial freedom again by the end of 2027—and writing another book.

Still, I stay involved—tutoring my son each evening and being present whenever needed. But I also feel a strong urge to stay productive during the day. A life of just tennis, lunch, and naps feels hollow. I crave purpose.

Being a stay-at-home dad is unconventional, but deeply rewarding. If you’re financially able, I highly recommend doing it for the first 2–3 years of your child’s life. It’ll challenge you—and change you. But the extra time with your kids is priceless.

Readers, any stay-at-home dads out there want to share your experience? What did you do once your kids started school full-time? Why do you think more men don’t take on this role—especially as more women earn degrees and become primary breadwinners? Has this post made you consider giving it a try?

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